3.21.23 - for as long as he can

my father said he’d help me out for as long as he can, as he hands me one hundred and forty two dollars. five twenties, three ten’s, two five’s and two singles. my mother insists that I eat everything she made for me over the last week and a half in the final two hours of my recent trip to New York. I told her that the Bible says gluttony is a sin but I know food is part of her love language, acts of service. I don’t have enough time to see all my friends anymore. I barely had time to walk around by myself, to be by myself, with no responsibility to anything other leisure and a slow pace. the small things are so enriching now - cleaning a plate, holding a hand, sipping water. there is no time to kill because there’s isn’t enough time being appreciated as a living moment enough to do so. the hindus say that if you speak only truth, you become someone who unlocks the ability to materialize. because the truth is God, and because you purify as you leave no room for lies, you become in perfect alignment with that which creates and exists, which become one in the same. that’s my new goal. I don’t want to lie anymore, it costs me too much power. My lies aren’t lies like other lies, maybe i’m a liar with better moral grounds. I used to lie about silly things, then I started lying about important things, but those important things were more like white lies. they were subversions. I don’t lie to people much but I lie to myself more often than i’d like to. not too much, but more often than I’d like to. as I maneuver I don’t want to lie to myself anymore, I don’t have the tolerance for white lies much. silence or truth, and my silence should be truthful too. I don’t lie to my parents when I say i’m doing better in Los Angeles. I don’t lie to them when I say things are improving. but they think i’m lying. they think I starve and that things are more hopeless than their hardheaded son admits. I don't lie about struggles, because I think they’re beautiful and integral and honestly, they’re diminishing. even as my responsibilities increase, i’m stressed less, because I believe in God more. and I believe in the purpose of pain more. that’s the truth, that is not a lie to make myself or anyone feel better. I’m tired of telling my parents to ease their worries and to let me explore on this journey, but I know they can’t stop worrying. that is kinda who they are - loving parents, and they aren’t lying about their love or their worries, so I can appreciate that to some extent. but God tells me the truth too, and that’s bigger than they or I can orate.